chapter Four
When we got back to Brett’s townhouse, my stomach started to growl.
“I’d better feed you,” Brett chuckled as we unpacked the groceries. “We can have a late lunch early dinner. We’ll call it linner.”
“Linner is much better than dunch! Who would ever want to eat dunch?”
We both laughed. It felt good to finally release some of the tension that had built up between us.
“Do you want to sit in the garden while I cook?” Brett suggested
“I’d love to help you make linner.”
Brett thought about it for a moment. “As much as I’d rather cook for you and serve you, I can tell you want to help, so okay, let’s do it.”
That made me wonder if he and Sweater Vest ever cooked together or if she just let him do all of the cooking or maybe he always took her out to eat. I had to stop thinking about the two of them and their relationship or it was going to drive me crazy.
We both washed our hands in the kitchen sink and I said, “So, let me know what you want me to do.”
“Why don’t you start cutting up veggies and getting a salad together? I’ll start preparing the fish and the garlic bread.”
“Yes, Sir,” I saluted and got the veggies together.
Thirty minutes later, we had everything ready. “Now we just have to get the table in the garden set and everything will be perfect,” Brett stated .
I wished it was that easy to make everything perfect.
When I stepped into Brett’s backyard, it was like stepping into a fairytale garden. It was luscious and colorful. I thought it was the most beautiful place I had ever seen in my life.
Brett looked nervous. “Do you like it?” he asked tentatively.
I shook my head. “I don’t like it. I absolutely love it!”
That made Brett smile. “You’re the first person to see it, other than me.”
I gulped. I had assumed Sweater Vest had been to Brett’s townhouse but she obviously hadn’t. That made me smile.
“Thank you for sharing this with me. It’s amazing.”
“I’m glad you like it.”
We set a small dining table Brett had placed in the corner of the garden near a small coy pond and fountain. Then we brought out the food and sat down.
“Your garden is truly the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” As I continued admiring the surroundings.
“You sitting here is what makes the garden beautiful.” Brett took my hand in his then lifted my hand to his mouth and placed a soft kiss on it.
The food was delicious. After I’d eaten every bite on my plate, I was tempted to lift the plate and lick it clean. That’s how good it was.
“I know I’ve said it before, but you’re a wonderful cook.”
“You’re a wonderful helper. Terrific salad.”
“You know it’s not necessary to constantly try and impress me.”
Brett fidgeted in his seat and looked uncomfortable and I immediately regretted mentioning it. But he seemed to be putting so much pressure on himself to win me over like I was some kind of prize. If anything, I felt more like a booby prize but that was another issue entirely.
“I know I’m not good enough for you.” When he looked into my eyes, Brett looked so vulnerable it made me want to hug him. I never had such a strong urge to comfort anyone in my life. Brett was the only one to bring those feelings out in me. It scared me because it made me feel vulnerable, too.
Brett continued. “I’ll never be good enough for you. But I’m doing everything I know how to win your love.”
I could feel a teardrop slide down my cheek. I couldn’t believe he said he wasn’t good enough for me. I was the one who didn’t feel good enough for him.
“Let’s sit on the couch and talk,” Brett suggested. “We can clean up the dishes later.”
He led me over to a small outdoor furniture set on the other side of the garden located around a small fire pit. We both sat on the settee and Brett put his arm around me. “Tell me what’s on your mind,” he said softly. “I can tell something’s bothering you.”
I took a deep breath. I wasn’t the type to engage in deep conversation but Brett seemed so sincere. “Why do you care so much about me? Why do you want to hear about all the craziness going on inside my head?”
Brett looked puzzled. “Because I want to be with you. I want to know everything about you. That’s what people do when they’re in a relationship.”
“No one has ever cared enough about me to even ask,” I admitted.
Brett looked stunned. He couldn’t have looked more stunned if I had slapped him. “No one?” he repeated as if he hadn’t heard me correctly.
I shook my head. “Nope. Not even my parents or siblings.” Not that I had really given them a chance.
It was time to test Brett. I would give him an idea of who I really was to see if he still wanted to be with me. I mentally prepared myself to pack and leave just in case he didn’t like what he heard.
“My mother is a successful lawyer and my dad is an equally successful surgeon. My older and more perfect siblings, followed in their footsteps. My older sister became an even more successful surgeon and my older brother became an even more successful lawyer. Despite all of my parents’ monumental efforts to turn their youngest child into another über-successful clone of themselves, I was and still remain, nothing but a disappointment and a complete f*ck-up. By the time I was 8-years old, my parents had pretty much given up on me. I was sneaking out of the house by the time I was 12, when I started drinking and having sex. By the time I was 14, I had firmly established my reputation as a party girl. Since then, I’ve spent countless weekends drunk and slept with more guys than I can remember. I have nothing to show for myself but a crappy job and a crappy apartment that I share with a witch and her evil cat.”
“Why do you call your roommate a witch?” Was that all he got out of everything I just confessed?
I eyed him suspiciously. “Because she literally is a witch. She calls herself a Wiccan, dresses in all black and participates in all kinds of weird rituals with her crazy witch friends.”
He nodded but didn’t say anything else. It was weird. Half of me expected him to show me to the door and thank me for coming while he kicked me out.
He gave me a kiss on the cheek instead.
“Now you can understand why I have a flaw list. And why it’s extremely long.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Brett said matter-of-factly. When our eyes met, I felt like he was trying to look into my soul. “I love your flaws. They make you interesting and challenging. Of course, I’ve only heard a dozen of them so far but I’m looking forward to discovering the rest.”
“Are you serious?”
He nodded then gave me a soft kiss. “I’m very serious about you,” he whispered.
“You really love my flaws?”
He nodded and placed his hand on my cheek. “Haven’t you figured out that I love everything about you? I just wish you’d let me love you.”
I could feel tears streaming down my cheeks again.
“Please don’t cry,” Brett said softly as he brushed the tears from my face.
“I may have slept with a lot of guys but this relationship stuff is all new to me.”
Brett nodded. “I know. It’s okay. That’s why I want to take things slowly. There’s no rush. We’ve got the rest of our lives to figure things out.”
I had never planned further than tomorrow and Brett was talking about the rest of our lives. It seemed crazy and scary as hell but it also sounded pretty nice.
***
Brett had a huge flat screen television that seemed to take up an entire wall.
“I guess you really like TV,” I joked.
He shrugged. “I mostly watch movies.” He pointed to a DVD collection. “Here are the new additions to my collection.”
The new additions were all of my favorite movies. Brett had remembered my Top Ten favorite movies from when we were in the hotel in Phoenix after our first time together. He made sure he added every movie to his collection.
“What would you like to watch?” Brett asked.
“Why don’t you pick?”
He grabbed Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. “I haven’t seen this one yet. And it comes highly recommended.”
I had seen the movie several hundred times but Brett seemed to be enthusiastic about the choice. I was more interested in the possibility of cuddling on the couch, which is exactly what we did.
Brett held my hand and softly caressed my fingers and arm but he didn’t go any further. He kept his word about taking this slow. The only problem was that my body wasn’t used to slow. I had been conditioned to getting busy on living room couches from the time I hit puberty. My teen years were marked by my seeing only the first half of dozens of movies.
But there was no getting busy with Brett. At least not this weekend. He had made that extremely clear. The more time I spent with him, though, the less I thought about seducing him. I actually liked talking with him and doing things other than having sex. Spending time with a guy and not having sex never occurred to me before Brett came into my life. How sad is that?
Even though I was tired after the movie ended, I wasn’t ready for our evening together to end. So, I was disappointed when Brett mentioned turning in for the night.
“Can I see your bedroom?” I blurted as we both stood.
Brett arched his eyebrows.
I shook my head. “I don’t mean that,” I said quickly. “I just want to see what it looks like.”
He looked a little uncomfortable and that made me want to see it even more.
“Isn’t your laptop in your bedroom? That’s the reason you brought me here, isn’t it? To prove that you had my bikini shot on your laptop? That and to get your Pearl Jam tee shirt back, which I’m keeping by the way.”
“I figured I’d lost the shirt for good. Maybe I’ll show you my laptop tomorrow.”
I wasn’t use to not getting my way with guys but Brett was a tough nut to crack. I decided to bring out the heavy artillery.
“Please,” I said as sweetly as I could manage and then batted my eyelashes at him.
I could see him gulp. After a moment, he said, “You’re not going to give up until I show you, are you?”
I shook my head.
“Okay,” he finally agreed.
***
His bedroom was painted burgundy and the furniture was heavy dark wood. It looked expensive.
“This is nice.” I looked around. “I like the artwork you selected.” He had picked several Gustav Klimt prints. My parents were fans of his work, so I was familiar with it.
Then I saw a framed photo of Brett and Sweater Vest sitting on his nightstand. I froze. I could feel my cold heart sink to the floor. Actually, it didn’t sink; it was more like my cold heart dropped like a rock and cracked into pieces.
I could feel my legs moving over to the photo and I couldn’t stop them. I stood inches from it just staring at it. They looked so happy together. And cute. They really had been the perfect couple.
I could feel Brett step up behind me. “I’m sorry. I should have put that away. I didn’t know you were going to come in here.”
“Do you still love her?” I managed to say.
“I don’t know.”
At least he was honest. I turned to face him. His eyes were getting wet. “Let me see your laptop,” I demanded. He wiped at a tear that had escaped down his cheek.
“I want to see your laptop,” I insisted.
He went over to the small desk in the corner of his room and powered on the laptop. We both stood in front of it waiting for it to start.
When it was finally operational, he played around with it until a slideshow popped up that I assumed acted as a screensaver. The first photo was of me but it wasn’t a bikini shot. It was one taken at the wedding of me posing with my small bridesmaid’s bouquet. That made me smile for about five seconds until I saw the rest of the slideshow.
They were all photos of Sweater Vest. Or Brett and Sweater Vest. Random shots from college, homecoming, graduation. There had to be twenty different shots. Then it was back to my lone photo.
“I haven’t had time to change the slideshow photos,” Brett said half-heartedly. I knew he worked long hours and that was probably half true but I also knew enough about Brett to realize he was the type of person, who made time to do the things he wanted to do.
“I thought I wasn’t a rebound girl.” I knew I wasn’t being nice but at the moment I was too hurt to stop myself.
“I told you you’re not and I meant it.”
“That’s not what it looks like,” I spat. “Your room is filled with her. At least I understand now why you didn’t want me to see it. I’m going upstairs.”
I turned and marched out. I noticed Brett didn’t try to stop me. I ran as fast as I could to the guest bedroom and just got the door shut before I broke down sobbing. I had cried more since I’d been with Brett than I had in the previous ten years. Obviously one of the disadvantages of my withered heart coming back to life.
Most of me was glad Brett hadn’t followed me but a small part of wished he had. I wanted Prince Charming and the fairy tale but unfortunately, I didn’t recall there ever being any slutty Princesses.
I didn’t get much sleep. I debated packing up my stuff and leaving but I really didn’t want to. As angry and hurt as I was, I still wanted things to work out with Brett. I just didn’t know how I would ever compete with someone like Sweater Vest. Even if they weren’t still together, just the memory of what had been was probably better than me in some respects. It made me wonder why she let Brett go. They were both young. Maybe she realized she wasn’t ready to settle down. She still had a few wild oats to sew. Although, after seeing so many photos of her, she didn’t look like she had a wild bone in her body. She truly was the complete opposite of me in every way possible. That brought another lump to my throat. Maybe I really was just the rebound girl and Brett was just too much of a gentleman to admit it.
***
“So, where are we headed today?” I asked Brett as he pulled out of his driveway. Brett had been quiet all morning and I was trying everything I could to ease the uncomfortable tension between us.
“It’s a surprise.” He didn’t elaborate.
I wasn’t much for surprises. The few times my parents surprised me it was to send me to a new counselor and I always went alone. That was because I was the broken one who they believed needed fixing. What would have been a real surprise was if they ever volunteered to go to counseling with me.
Whenever a guy said he had a surprise for me, it was usually some kinky sex thing he wanted to try.
Yeah, I really didn’t like surprises.
***
When we arrived at Filoli, my jaw dropped. The magnificent gardens and estate home rivaled the most beautiful of Hollywood mansions.
“What do you think,” Brett asked me as he grabbed my hand and laced our fingers. “Do you like it?”
“I don’t like it. I love it. This place is amazing.”
“I’ve only been here once before and I didn’t have much time when I came. That’s why I wanted to get here early, right when it opened. That way, we’ll have more time to explore.”
I cringed a little when he said he’d been here before. My thoughts immediately went to Sweater Vest and I wondered if he’d brought her here. I had to snap out of it. I couldn’t keep comparing myself to her and wondering if he had been with her every time he mentioned something. I would just drive myself crazy. Well, crazier than I already was.
“Is everything okay?” Brett had a look of concern in his eyes.
I nodded. “Thank you for bringing me here. It’s already one of my favorite places.”
“Just wait until we really start looking around.”
I reached into my pocket and removed my smartphone. “Time to take some photos.”
I handed the smartphone to Brett. “Will you take a shot of me?”
I posed and Brett took a photo of me in the entryway. We both looked at it.
“You’re beautiful and very photogenic.”
“Thanks.”
“Will you email me some of your photos?”
“Why do you think I’m taking them? They’re for your laptop. I’ll know you’re serious about me, if the next time I see you, all the photos of Sweater Vest are gone and replaced with photos of me.”
I knew I was taking a big risk but when was I not known for taking risks? Being a risk taker was one of my top flaws (Flaw 3).
Brett nodded as if he was giving it serious consideration. “You’re right. I need to replace those photos.”
“Thanks.”
After a moment, he said, “Do you have to keep calling her Sweater Vest?”
“Yup.”
Brett nodded. He was quiet for a moment then he said, “I never took Becca to a garden. I just wanted you to know.”
That stunned me. “Never?”
He shook his head. “She doesn’t like gardens. Or plants. She never even visited me in California.”
That stuck me hard. They’d only been broken up a few months but she never visited him. No wonder the long distance thing didn’t work out. That made me wonder how long she strung him along before she dumped him. Probably just long enough to find someone else. Bitch. I hated her even more.
“She has a lot of allergies and doesn’t like flower or plants.”
“But you live for gardens,” I said.
Brett gripped my hand and held it a bit tighter. “That’s why I’m glad you love them as much as I do.”
“Especially yours,” I assured him.
That’s when Brett’s smile returned to his face and my heart felt like it was dancing. Brett’s entire face lit us like a kid on Christmas morning whenever he truly smiled. I didn’t realize how much I’d missed seeing it when we were arguing.
“What,” Brett asked. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“I just love your smile.” I raised my phone camera and snapped a shot of him. “That’s for my laptop.”
Brett’s smile grew even wider. “You’re really going to put my photo on your laptop?”
“I said I would.”
Brett nodded.
“Only I don’t have anyone to replace. There’s just you.”
Brett thought about this for a long moment. “You never put anyone else’s photo on your laptop?”
Not that there was ever anyone to put on my laptop. I shook my head. “I don’t have photos of anyone anywhere,” I admitted. “I never have.”
“So, I’ll be your first.”
“No, you’ll be my one and only.”
Brett kissed me cheek. Then he whispered, “You have no idea how much I love the idea of being your one and only.” And I knew he wasn’t just talking about photos. Neither was I.
***
As we walked through the sixteen acres of formal gardens, I took in every bit of the lush environment. Living in the desert my entire life, I didn’t realize how much I craved green spaces. The place truly was spectacular.
“I’m sure you’ve been wondering why the place is called Filoli?” Brett queried as we walked through rose garden, which was still in bloom.
“It may have crossed my mind. But I’m sure you’re going to tell me.”
I enjoyed seeing tourist sites with Brett. He was such a brilliant person and knew so much about seemingly everything, he was better than having a tour guide.
“William Bourn, the original owner of the estate, called it Filoli because it’s the first two letters in the words fight, love and live. It comes from his motto: Fight for a just cause; Love your fellow man; Live a good life.
“That’s so cool. I like that. That should be our motto.”
Brett seemed to think about that for a moment. Then he nodded. “Okay. But I want you to know that even when we fight, which I’m sure we’ll do more of, because you’re you and I’m me, don’t ever think it means I don’t love you and want to be with you.”
Brett said he loved me a lot but always in some indirect way. I wasn’t ready to be in love. I wasn’t even sure I knew what it meant or if I’d ever feel that way. And I still wasn’t sure why Brett seemed to feel that way about me. Was I worth loving? I still wasn’t sure.
Brett kissed my cheek. “One of these days, you’re going to let me love you.”
Maybe, I thought, just maybe.
***
After we exhausted ourselves at Filoli, Brett said he had another surprise for me. “I hope you’re hungry.”
We turned down a side street and parked next to an Asian restaurant. “Have you ever had Vietnamese food?”
“I’ve had Chinese take-out. Does that count?”
Brett laughed. “You’re going to love this.”
The small place only had about 12 tables and they were all packed. We had to wait 15 minutes for a table but Brett said it would be worth it. When we were finally seated and the waitress gave us our menus I had no idea what to order. Nothing sounded familiar to me. I glanced around the restaurant and it looked like everyone was eating out of giant soup bowls with chop sticks and weird looking spoons. I had spotted a McDonalds down the block. I wondered if Brett would be upset if I asked him to take me there instead.
“What’s wrong,” Brett asked. I was trying to act casual but Brett could see how uncomfortable I felt.
“I have no idea what do order,” I admitted. “Is it too late to leave and go to McDonalds instead?”
Brett carefully removed the menu from my hand and placed it on the table next to his. “How about this? I’ll order two of my favorite dishes. We can share them. If you don’t like it, then I’ll take you to McDonalds.”
I nodded. “Fair enough. I’ll give it a try.”
Ten minutes later, the waitress brought out two bowls filled with what looked like meat, noodles and vegetables.
“This one is Pho Ga.” Brett pointed to one of the bowls. “It’s a Vietnamese Chicken Noodle Soup.”
It didn’t look like any chicken noodle soup I had ever seen. But my experience was limited mostly to Campbell’s whenever I got the flu as a kid.
“And this one is Pho Bo. It’s a Beef Noodle Soup.”
“And you eat it with chop sticks and a ladle.”
Brett grinned. “It’s a soup spoon.”
“It looks more like a ladle to me.”
Brett picked up a set of the chop sticks. “Have you ever eaten with chop sticks before?”
I shook my head.
“It’s easy.” He positioned the chop sticks in his right hand. “Hold them like this.”
I took the other set of chop sticks and positioned them in my hand the way Brett was holding his.
“This is how you open and close them.” Brett demonstrated the movement and I followed his instructions. “See, you’re picking it up quickly. You’ll be a pro in no time.”
“I just want to learn enough not to starve if I ever find myself lost somewhere in Asia.”
“Okay, now try picking up a piece of food and bringing it to your mouth.” Brett demonstrated with a piece of chicken that he easily grabbed from the bowl and popped into his mouth. “This is good,” he said taunting me. “Now it’s your turn.”
I managed to pick up a piece of chicken but it slipped and fell back into the bowl before I could get it to my mouth.
“You almost had it. Give it another try.”
I sighed and tried to pick up the chicken again. But the chopsticks went sideways on me and the chicken fell back into the bowl with a splat.
“Maybe I can just use the spoon?” I suggested but Brett shook his head.
“No, don’t give up so easily. I know you can do it. Try it again.”
It took me three more tries but I was eventually able to pick up a piece of chicken and get it into my mouth.
Brett gave me a wide grin. “See, I knew you could do it. Thanks for not giving up.”
“Thanks for not giving up on me.” When Brett’s eyes met mine, we both knew I meant more than just here and now.
If you would have asked me a few weeks ago, if I would have thought someone like Brett had anything to teach me, I would have thought you were crazy. Now it seemed Brett was teaching me something new every minute of the day. And they were things I actually cared about learning. I’d never cared about learning anything before I met Brett.
I had a feeling what I had to learn from Brett was much deeper than how to use chop sticks and trivia about flowers and gardens. I had a feeling he was going to teach me a lot about love and life.
As we exited the restaurant, Brett grabbed my hand. “So, what’s the verdict on Vietnamese food?”
I thought about it for a minute. “The food was different, which isn’t bad. I’m glad that you make me try new things. I always considered myself a risk taker, sometimes too much of one, flaw number three, by the way. But I realized I don’t take risks like you do. Seeing and experiencing new places and eating different foods. Those are good risks. The kinds of risks I’ve taken in the past are the dark and dangerous kind. The risks you take are the healthy kind. The kind that broaden your horizons.”
Brett stopped walking and turned to face me. “I’m glad you decided to take a risk with me. Even if I’m not dark and dangerous.”
“And who says you’re not dangerous,” I teased.
“No one had ever mistaken me for dangerous.”
Not taking my eyes from Brett’s, I moved in closer. “Maybe nobody has gotten close enough to bring out your dangerous side. I know it’s there, Mr. Conner. If you didn’t have a dangerous side, you never would have slept with me that first night. You just needed someone like me to bring it out.”
I could see Brett swallow hard. “I think we need to get back to the townhouse.”
“Nice try at changing the subject. Does it make you uncomfortable that we’re so attracted to each other? Does it make you feel like you could lose control?”
He nodded.
“Good. Let’s go back to your place.”
And we did.